Every day I wake up with the greatest of intentions. After some reflection the night before and a good nightʼs rest I am determined to not say anything critical or have a hurtful tone behind little comments I make. I set my mind on love and patience, I plan to speak and discipline with calm collection. I make these plans and feel determined to follow through. I tell myself our go to verse when the kids are speaking harshly, “do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up.” Eph 4:29

Yet despite my intentions, I often find myself going into the kidsʼ room after theyʼre already sound asleep, watching their chests rise and fall, and looking at their sweet peaceful faces wondering why I got mad at them that day for just being kids.

Looking through old photos the other day, I found a video where I was captured correcting my husband. I couldnʼt believe the tone in which I spoke to him. What I said was not mean or hurtful, and with a different tone couldʼve been very helpful, but the way I said it gave the impression that I thought he was an idiot. Of course, I donʼt actually think heʼs an idiot, heʼs a very wise, helpful, and wonderful man. So why that impression? Why do I so badly want to never yell at my kids and still find myself apologizing to them frequently?

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Pslam 73:26

As Iʼve asked myself these questions, Iʼve spent a lot of time meditating on the verse in Luke “out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”

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There is this dichotomy, this gap, between what we want to do and what we actually do. What we think we believe and what we actually believe. What comes out of me, in word and action, is an indication of what is inside me. I may believe my husband is a great, honorable, and loving man but do I actually believe that if I am criticizing the way he does something, or speaking in a way that cuts him down?

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Deep down, maybe Iʼm actually holding on to a small offense and the bitterness is causing a nasty tone to spew out.

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I may believe my kids are a blessing and motherhood is a high calling but do I actually believe that if I am snapping at them when they leave a mess or brushing them off while I get something done? Deep down, maybe Iʼm actually feeling inadequate as a mom and the complaint after complaint causes the decibel of my correction to rise.

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This journey of looking deeper within myself, of being aware of what is coming out of me and asking myself where itʼs coming from has led me into growth and freedom.

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No amount of will power to stop yelling or quit cursing or be more patient and kind will produce lasting change if we arenʼt addressing the issue of our heart. True change will only come when we turn our affection toward Jesus and allow our heart to be shaped by Him.

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“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Psalm 103:8

Recently, after my daughter and I both had a rough day, we were asking ourselves why we keep struggling with being angry. My husband answered so matter of fact, “once you really know how loved you are by God and how He sees you, you won't anymore.” I resisted this suggestion initially, thinking it was so cliché and so far off from why I felt angry. But, over time this suggestion has sunk in and I think it really does all come down to the love of God. If Iʼm SO filled with His love and rooted in who He says I am, it wouldnʼt matter what anyone does or doesnʼt do, love would flow out of me because that is what I would be filled with.

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Realigning our heart takes work. Itʼs the daily choices we make that add up to change over time. Ask yourself the questions provided and see how your heart and therefore your words change.

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