Having been married for five years, we were studying at a foreign university together, living in the dorm. Gorgeous single women were all over the campus and rumour had it that it was a game to try to score with the foreign white men on campus. I had a deep abiding trust that my husband would be loyal to me and equally, that in the face of temptation, I too would choose faithfulness. My confidence wasnʼt wishful thinking; it was grounded in experience. My husband demonstrated his loyalty in his words – how he spoke of me and to me. In his time-investment; he spent every extra bit of time doing what mattered most. I could say with confidence he didnʼt waste five minutes in a day. Furthermore, when small incidents happened that threatened his focus, he would always tell me, and equally, I would tell him. Yet another girl had asked him to teach her English- he gave her my number and told her his wifewould love to tutor her. A gay man asked him to be an underwear model and be paid a hefty sum, he told me about it on the phone moments after this happened. Loyalty is not just about fidelity or marital faithfulness. Itʼs not just about who you keep yourself from or what you keep yourself from, but more than that, itʼs about who you actively give your best self to.

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Within western societies, it seems that the understanding of the word loyalty is cheapened to describe membership to a gym we frequent or our attachment to a favourite toothpaste brand. At first glance, the word loyalty in terms of a virtue seems almost as archaic and irrelevant as the tradition of being knighted. And here is the connection, a person who has made a significant, long-standing contribution to any national or international activity is eligible to be knighted by the Queen of England. Being knighted is the acknowledgment of someoneʼs loyalty to serve the nation or fellow humans in a tangible manner.

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If I turn this definition inward, I can ask myself: to whom do I make significant, long-standing contributions with my time, energy, money, and purpose? Do your kids wake up knowing they matter to you or do they feel like they burden you? Does your husband feel seen and heard or do you live separate lives? Does your wife feel confident in your presence or cut down by your sarcasm? These are the tangible ways we make long-standing contributions. Loyalty can produce love or pain.

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My husband and I have been married for 9 years and met 11 years ago at a Canadian University. I was an adorable, grungy hippy and he was a stunner of a man. Elderly folks in my family had warned me that as long as I wasnʼt showering and had dreadlocks, I wouldnʼt find a husband. In fact, part of my campaign of natural beauty was to test how genuine someoneʼs loyalty to me could be. I figured my hygiene could stand as a valuable litmus test to anyone who would be worthy of my loyalty.

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The morning of our first study date, running two hours late, he strode into the library when I was moments from writing him off. He was apologetic; he explained that while eating toast in his bathrobe that morning, he had put his entire wardrobe of clothes into the washing machine, and then realized he had nothing to wear to University until the clothes had dried. For so many reasons that day, my love for him grew and he passed my litmus test with flying colours. I simply share this story because this hilarious, handsome, humble man in the library is the same one I traveled the globe with, faced danger, poverty, wealth, sickness, car accidents, and various other dangerous and mundane experiences, seen the worst and best in, been the worst and best to, and alas, have never loved him more than now when I know him most thoroughly. My loyalty to him is high, because my investment is deep.

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Our primary loyalty was in our faith, so we established our relationship on common ground and were able to have a foundation that compelled us to sacrifice and persevere with the same goals in mind.

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I have some central loyalties, and some more peripheral ones. Loyalty in these realms is defined by sacrifice, perseverance, vision, love, truth, safety and confidentiality. When misaligned, loyalties in their corrupt form allows for toxic habits and relationships, whereas loyalty as a virtue is a balm to our hearts creating stability in ourselves and our relationships.

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True loyalty to our family (spouse & kids) can be thwarted not only by affairs, but by competing loyalties. Appearing honourable on the surface, beneath you may find a swamp of toxicity, abuse, co-dependency, and misaligned vision. Iʼm talking about a woman who still is more loyal to her motherʼs voice than to her husbandʼs. It could be seen in a man who is more loyal to ranking up in his video game than to make a valuable and long-standing contribution to his children with quality time or with in-laws who interfere, but out of fear you maintain the status-quo with them even though it causes internal conflict or perpetuates your wifeʼs insecurities. There also could be a desire to make a long-standing contribution to your workplace, but you come home empty, angry, grumpy, with nothing left over for your family.

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Loyalty to your family means implementing boundaries. When we get married, our primary loyalty needs to shift from our family of origin to our new spouse.

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Loyalty must be redirected from the workplace, to instead find our primary value, identity and purpose in cultivating your spouseʼs well-being, and your childrenʼs wellbeing. Assessing our loyalties is an opportunity to perpetuate the status quo in all areas of our lives or to recalibrate our purpose, values, and actions. Our loyalties are the guiding forces of our daily living. More powerful than knighting each other to acknowledge the acts of loyalty, make affirmations and acknowledgments a regular practice. Your efforts of having made a long-standing contribution to your spouse and kids will stand the test of time. Properly placed loyalty creates a worth- while legacy.

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